Sometimes I think about you with good thoughts - I remember how you smiled and it showed on every part of your face, I remember how close you cradled me every night, solid shoulders pillowing my dreams and a hand that tightened on my stomach each time my body made the mistake of pulling away. I think about all the small sweet things you managed to tuck in to the corners of my heart that weren’t guarded. And it all made sense, somehow, why I loved you so. But then, like a cloak of doubt, I’m reminded of all the times I cried in bed and instead of dreams you pummeled me in nightmares. I remember how it hurt, loving you and trying to swallow all the lies and justifying all the signs until I was left gasping for air. Until you, I have never known love to be so damaging and unkind. Even now, years later, the idea of us still sits heavy in my throat. A reminder of how little it took for me to love you so relentlessly. I don’t know what else to say, really. Some scabs I have the habit of picking on so they never quite heal. I try to remember you kindly even though you were rarely kind to me.
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